Freedom: Confronting Myself

When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. Audre Lorde

I am daring a lot these days. The greatest dare is to be free. I have left a marriage that defined me in ways I am only just discovering. I am daring to have faith that my son will "forgive" my disruption of his world, even as I know that I am opening a new and better world for him to explore. I am daring to explore my strength, develop my vision and to explore what it is for me to be without fear.

Resting in the grooves of an oppressive person or environment has served the delusion that I must be free of Him. This gigantic presence I've tried to appease over the years lest I be demolished, was and always has been simply a man. I invested him with such power and now that I have stepped away I bear the scars of submission to that illusion and know I will have flashbacks like any veteran of a war, but I am now reacting (when I do) to the past.

I have moved on. There is no destination now. I wander groundless and exist in the love and support of a family I could not have imagined. I have fear, but I also have courage. That courage showed itself in my ability to leave and live. In the end the great confrontation is with myself. I have freed me and now can look in the mirror of this world without any filters.

Friends and Their Views

"Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” Stacey Charter

“What is the quality of your intent?

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words. When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

My intent will be evident in the results.” Thurgood Marshall quotes

Friendship, particularly when its lasted over a period of years, is a crucible. It is a test of my ability to listen deeply, a way to see my similarity and differences with them. I am blessed with several who are very clear and/or very certain about what they think is right, and sometimes what I should or should not be doing. Sometimes their views come from great spirituality and conviction, other times from a place of pain and fear. Their views are training, a place for me to find my own strength.

As I change my life, my dress, my thinking, I have learned to see how resolute I am regarding all those things in how I react, choose not to react, or see their views as having validity in my life. It is interesting to be at a place and an age to feel so calm in the face of other strong people. These strong minded folks are sometimes mentors even when I deeply disagree with their views about me or others, but they remain my friends. As I grow and change, I hope they can continue to hold me as their friend.

I am blessed.