Freedom: Confronting Myself

When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. Audre Lorde

I am daring a lot these days. The greatest dare is to be free. I have left a marriage that defined me in ways I am only just discovering. I am daring to have faith that my son will "forgive" my disruption of his world, even as I know that I am opening a new and better world for him to explore. I am daring to explore my strength, develop my vision and to explore what it is for me to be without fear.

Resting in the grooves of an oppressive person or environment has served the delusion that I must be free of Him. This gigantic presence I've tried to appease over the years lest I be demolished, was and always has been simply a man. I invested him with such power and now that I have stepped away I bear the scars of submission to that illusion and know I will have flashbacks like any veteran of a war, but I am now reacting (when I do) to the past.

I have moved on. There is no destination now. I wander groundless and exist in the love and support of a family I could not have imagined. I have fear, but I also have courage. That courage showed itself in my ability to leave and live. In the end the great confrontation is with myself. I have freed me and now can look in the mirror of this world without any filters.

Embracing My Wise Woman/Crone Self

Do not become alarmed when you experience yourself in totally new ways," sighs Grandmother Growth tenderly. "You are changing, getting ready to be initiated into the third stage of your life. Are you ready for the ride of your life?
Susun Weed, Menopausal Years the Wise Woman Way, Woodstock: Ash Tree, 2002

Over the last few years there has been a settling, a growing fearlessness. It can take the form of a kind of sassy attitude, but most often it is a deep sense of appreciation for the great joys and the terrible difficulties of this life. I think all women, all people, as we get older must decide whether we will not only live with our past, but embrace it or if we will instead, extract anger and bitterness as our primary life lessons.

I have chosen at this stage of my life, as I'd chosen earlier, to take the path of love, compassion and joy. I can't think of another way to die with a smile on my face and expectation of the existence to come, except to embrace this path. It is the fearlessness that enables me to embrace not only the difficulties of the present, but past trauma. I am saddened by harsh self judgements of so many of my younger friends and family.

I offer to them, when I can and when they are willing, the perspective and lessons that have come with my age: (1) love yourself, hating yourself for real or imagined failures don't move you forward; (2) love others, even if you can only do that from a distance; (3) don't stop doing either.

Metta

Friends and Their Views

"Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” Stacey Charter

“What is the quality of your intent?

Certain people have a way of saying things that shake us at the core. Even when the words do not seem harsh or offensive, the impact is shattering. What we could be experiencing is the intent behind the words. When we intend to do good, we do. When we intend to do harm, it happens. What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts. The emotion is the energy that motivates. We cannot ignore what we really want to create. We should be honest and do it the way we feel it. What we owe to ourselves and everyone around is to examine the reasons of our true intent.

My intent will be evident in the results.” Thurgood Marshall quotes

Friendship, particularly when its lasted over a period of years, is a crucible. It is a test of my ability to listen deeply, a way to see my similarity and differences with them. I am blessed with several who are very clear and/or very certain about what they think is right, and sometimes what I should or should not be doing. Sometimes their views come from great spirituality and conviction, other times from a place of pain and fear. Their views are training, a place for me to find my own strength.

As I change my life, my dress, my thinking, I have learned to see how resolute I am regarding all those things in how I react, choose not to react, or see their views as having validity in my life. It is interesting to be at a place and an age to feel so calm in the face of other strong people. These strong minded folks are sometimes mentors even when I deeply disagree with their views about me or others, but they remain my friends. As I grow and change, I hope they can continue to hold me as their friend.

I am blessed.

Hands

My hands are a lot like my mother's and a lot not. The contours similar, but these hands do not reflect the harsh work that she did, strong detergents and cleaning agents that were part of her work. Yet, they are a part of her, a part of my lineage.

I come from a long line of women, who like me, have lasted enough to see how time has massaged us. Those so-called wrinkles, feared by so many women were embraced by my All Mothers. An indication of our endurance through pain, sorrow, and despair with laughter, food, hugs from children and other women and even occasionally a man or two.

I have softer hands because my All Mothers gave me a life with less hazardous choices. I have these wrinkles because I have lived through time with focus and serendipity. I bow to the love of my All Mothers, I bow to myself.

This Second Spring

I began this blog as a place to explore aging and growth. Several months have elapsed since my last post and much has happened. The details are irrelevant, but the understanding that come from them are significant to me. Age brings knowledge that I can live through things, even very terrible things. My Buddhist practice allows me to enjoy the next breath, even if it follows a scream.

I am in my second Spring. It is not much like the first. There is no dewy skin and courage that comes out of ignorance. Instead, it's the ability to smile in the face of sadness and pain. I no longer seek refuge from myself. I love myself and others because this being human is a wonderful and difficult enterprise. I am no longer interested in justice, only wisdom and compassion.

This second Spring is not about the exuberance of youth but the joy of life.

I Ain't Dead Yet

I've been sick, feeling old, fighting and confronting stories. Today I experienced a beautiful fall day and reached out for help, a very hard thing for me to do. I remembered Edgar Guest's poem, "I Ain't Dead Yet." I wanted to remind myself of the beauty and wisdom of this poem and share it with whoever stops by.

Time was I used to worry and I'd sit around an' sigh,
And think with every ache I got that I was goin' to die,
I'd see disaster comin' from a dozen different ways
An' prophesy calamity an' dark and dreary days.
But I've come to this conclusion, that it's foolishness to fret;
I've had my share o' sickness, but I


Ain't
Dead
Yet!


Wet springs have come to grieve me an' I've grumbled at the showers,
But I can't recall a June-time that forgot to bring the flowers.
I've had my business troubles, and looked failure in the face,
But the crashes I expected seemed to pass right by the place.
So I'm takin' life more calmly, pleased with everything I get,
An' not over-hurt by losses, 'cause I


Ain't
Dead
Yet!


I've feared a thousand failures an' a thousand deaths I've died,
I've had this world in ruins by the gloom I've prophesied.
But the sun shines out this mornin' an' the skies above are blue,
An' with all my griefs an' trouble, I have somehow lived 'em through.
There may be cares before me, much like those that I have met;
Death will come some day an' take me, but I


Ain't
Dead
Yet!




[The end]
Edgar A. Guest's poem: I Ain't Dead Yet

Birthday

I had a birthday, an amazing birthday this past July and I am still filled with the beauty, love and reality of it. Dearest friends came together and ensured that my birthday was spectacular. I had not slept with, had children with, or married any of them. Aging for me is so wonderfully strange. Seeing love and support and adventures coming from people and places where I have planted no long ago seeds that I'm now reaping and looking at the garden I tended, not perfectly, but with good effort continue to produce indifferent crops. I am not angry (most of the time), but fascinated. I am fascinated how I am slowly moving from what I thought to what I experience. Here is a poem that caught me on my journey and insisted I write it.

Independence Day 7/4/10

It happened today
Independence
Like birth is irrevocable
Even if I wished to return
To past servitude
I am unable to
I have discovered my power
And so have you
Though the aftermath of our struggle
Played the same dueling perceptions
It was only form
Not substance
And we both recognize that
We reside in different kingdoms
Only our geography remains the same
For the moment
Just for the moment

ayesha ali