A Heart's Journey Continues: Facing Gifts

I was raised to be prepared for life's restrictions and disappointments. While I hoped for love and acceptance and a heart that could tolerate them, I certainly didn't expect it. The choices I made confirmed those early teachings. First Jesus and later Allah would give comfort, but never real life. The best I could expect would be to join with other women in our acceptance of life's disappointments, that "big girls" knew and accepted without flinching. I was the beyond childish hope that joy and love unfettered by the hard exchange of my body and my soul was possible.

My embrace of an Islamic path that sweetly demanded that my vocal chords serve the greater good did not seem strange. Given the beauty at the core of the deen (the Islamic way of life), it seemed a good and even godly trade. I give up my "selfish" desires for justice for myself and Allah would love me. As a friend once said, "fair exchange is not robbery."

Now I am lost, for love and joy have found me. I am not prepared. Again and again my immediate reaction to love and generosity is to only take a small piece of what is offered. I fear I will be cut off if I dream/ask too much. I was not raised to face unconditional love and opportunity without blinking. What do I have to trade when nothing is asked? What am I to do, when I must welcome joy and rather than disaster?

Welcome it.

Risky Behavior
by Ayesha Ali

not condoms
or clean needles
for me

risky behavior
is reaching out
beyond what i know
i know

smiling
hoping
loving

allowing myself
my self
to be the me
i dreamed

risky

i could be
hurt
killed dreams
killed again

but

i'm feeling old
and young and
i don't care
as much for
fanged fears
this halloween

risky
boo!

Joy In the Morning

"Despair not of the mercy of Allah." Quran

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)” Bible

"When you think everything is someone else´s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy..." Dalai lama

This is me, uncovered and swimming in Mercy Oceans. Much has happened since my last posting. I decided to stop covering my hair and wearing Islamic dress. Interestingly, I haven't felt this close to Allah in a long time. Since my last posting, I've had on a swimsuit for the first time in 25 years, entered a pool and felt the water all over my body. I've bought clothes that fit my body. I'm real in touch with my inner 14 year old (smile).

The hijab/modest dress became a cave that I lived in and looked out at the world but was restrained from full participation. For me, it became turning my back on my body and my full interaction with the world. I'll be exploring this more as I continue to explore the world uncovered.

My Internet service has been having many technical difficulties and I've been rediscovering myself and reconnecting with my own heart and soul. I've been blessed with amazing people in my life who in their own unique ways are waving banners of direction and celebration.

The woman is this picture, with her big grin and her huge fish is ME. I'm living in joy and also terrified that so many of my undreamed dreams are not only coming true but abound in my present life.

I attended a workshop on Saturday entitled, "Transforming Barriers with an Open Heart" with Cheri Maples and rather than finding a "recipe" to teach my boys how to deal with the police, I transformed or at least acknowledged some of my own barriers, including my deep belief that I'm not very smart. I had enough courage to say it out loud and received such loving feedback. My heart family doesn't love me because I'm a hard worker or make them breakfast (although, I'm willing to do that and more), they love ME for ME.

I am in tears remembering the outpouring the the hugs I received. I am so blessed and my heart is opening to acknowledge the ways in which I have allowed abuse in my life and accepted mistreatment as "normal."

One of the exercises was to identify your core values that you want to stand for. Here are mine: Love, Gratitude, and Joy. This blog is part of the journey to develop and serve these core values.

So that plump lady is me smiling and on my way, Inshallah, to New Mexico at the end of the month to discover the heart I so love sharing.

Journey to Taos, New Mexico #1

Mushim told me about the POC Meditation Retreat and as I read about it, I immediately knew that I would be unable to go, but I expressed by pleasure that such an event was possible. As if explaining to a young child, Mushim sent me another e-mail further discussing the beauty and opportunity of the retreat. I read it with pleasure at the idea of the event, but was unclear why she sent me more information. I had already decided that I knew I couldn't attend. After all, I'm a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, whose husband is solidly working class (i.e. our money is small and tight). Early Saturday morning, approximately 1:00 am, while I was sharing a conversation with a dear friend about the struggle of faith, I it occurred to me that I COULD GO. Before fear clouded my mind I sent Mushim an e-mail saying, I would attend, Inshallah. Inshallah, I will. I've sent an e-mail and left a message for the administrator asking for a sliding scale fee for the retreat and I am WILLING. Inshallah, the "How am I going to do this?" will come.