peeking

with a shy
eye
i peep at my coming
death
curious
no so much in the manor
she'll caress
my face
but
after
the after
the end
the beginning
another journey
i glimpse her
with a shy eye
and
smile

ayesha ali
10/22/10

Early in the Morning

So I gotta get up early in the morning
To find me another lover
So I gotta get up early in the morning
To find me another lover

The Gap Band 1982


There is mercy in even the most difficult times. Buddhism teaches that freedom resides in the space between action and reaction. For me there is a physical manifestation of this space, it is the predawn. The predawn is such an amazing time. Allah's forgiveness reigns. It is a time of freedom for me. It is a place where I am pure and unmarked by the life I've lived. I am grateful for the time before light.

early
by Ayesha Ali

I get up early
escaping
my judge and sins
sleep deeply
certain of the case against me
the just punishment meted out
but for now
I am free from the litany of charges
until court resumes
I will enjoy my innocence

A Heart's Journey Continues: Facing Gifts

I was raised to be prepared for life's restrictions and disappointments. While I hoped for love and acceptance and a heart that could tolerate them, I certainly didn't expect it. The choices I made confirmed those early teachings. First Jesus and later Allah would give comfort, but never real life. The best I could expect would be to join with other women in our acceptance of life's disappointments, that "big girls" knew and accepted without flinching. I was the beyond childish hope that joy and love unfettered by the hard exchange of my body and my soul was possible.

My embrace of an Islamic path that sweetly demanded that my vocal chords serve the greater good did not seem strange. Given the beauty at the core of the deen (the Islamic way of life), it seemed a good and even godly trade. I give up my "selfish" desires for justice for myself and Allah would love me. As a friend once said, "fair exchange is not robbery."

Now I am lost, for love and joy have found me. I am not prepared. Again and again my immediate reaction to love and generosity is to only take a small piece of what is offered. I fear I will be cut off if I dream/ask too much. I was not raised to face unconditional love and opportunity without blinking. What do I have to trade when nothing is asked? What am I to do, when I must welcome joy and rather than disaster?

Welcome it.

Risky Behavior
by Ayesha Ali

not condoms
or clean needles
for me

risky behavior
is reaching out
beyond what i know
i know

smiling
hoping
loving

allowing myself
my self
to be the me
i dreamed

risky

i could be
hurt
killed dreams
killed again

but

i'm feeling old
and young and
i don't care
as much for
fanged fears
this halloween

risky
boo!